Really cool story! I like the intro and the sound of the bus in the background. It was an easy story to listen to because a lot of people can relate to horror stories from a bus ride : )
My first impression of this piece? Wow. Awesome. Epic. The strategic moves you made are not overtly obvious (a good thing) but deserve recognition for their greatness. For example, your word choices enthralled me and made me grin. Over and over again it happened: "trudging," "surveys," "waltzes," "sea of cars," "briskly," "cell phone applications," "momentum," "launch," "lurch," "drive a stick," "tortured silence," and "thrust" are evenly spaced through the piece to wrap readers in a web of imagery. The use of repetition to project the movement of the bus into the minds of readers practically dragged me into the seat next to you. Then, your choice to match your spoken words with the electronic voice of the bus ( a decision that reminded me of one of the pieces we had to listen for this upcoming Wednesday - "The Fair") expanded the greatness of the tale. Best of all, I loved the outward expression of kindness and goodwill toward the jerk driver that veils the true pissed off nature of the poor, sick rider. Again, well done.
I agree with Stephanie's comments about your word choices, very nice diction young lady! This year is my first year using the "M" buses. There is one driver in particular that terrifies me. The driver crochets at stoplights, barely paying attention. There is a shelf of religious texts that sit near their seat.
On my second trip to North, this driver almost hit a pedestrian. Maybe the religious texts are to absolve the driver of murder if something really bad happens.
Listening to your story I was reminded of my own adventures to North and how reckless and terrifying a simple bus trip can be. I think you're in a good place with your piece, but I would encourage you to explore further with adding sounds. At the point where you say you say "thank you" I thought it might be nice to have a recording of you saying that on the bus, as an echo to the piece.
VERRYYY GOOD PIECE. i would like to hear some background noises like when he first opens the door or even bud sounds more. I liked the beginning really well with the sarcasm like the hello and the normal greetings. very good i really enjoy your story voice.
honestly, I think you have some work to do on this piece. I agree with previous comments related to the thought process and the diction and what not. But I think you can do some serious editing to the story that will make it better. Some of your sentences were a bit strange in my ears, but can be made better. Overall, good piece, but clearly an early draft.
"It's like a fifteen year old trying to show his girlfriend he can drive a shift." Your diction, tone, and pace all contributed to the effectiveness of your piece with pulling the listener into the story. I really enjoyed listening to this piece. I think you did well with the details you included but I wonder how you could make this piece better. The sounds you included definitely helped and you could potentially add some more but I wouldn't want you to bog down the story with too much sound so it's just about finding the right balance and I think you have just about found it.
Very relatable, i love the snarky moments about iPhone apps and the drivers basterdly grin. When the bus noises first come in i feel like they are a bit distracting but as it goes on they fit perfectly.
Really cool story! I like the intro and the sound of the bus in the background. It was an easy story to listen to because a lot of people can relate to horror stories from a bus ride : )
ReplyDeleteMy first impression of this piece? Wow. Awesome. Epic. The strategic moves you made are not overtly obvious (a good thing) but deserve recognition for their greatness. For example, your word choices enthralled me and made me grin. Over and over again it happened: "trudging," "surveys," "waltzes," "sea of cars," "briskly," "cell phone applications," "momentum," "launch," "lurch," "drive a stick," "tortured silence," and "thrust" are evenly spaced through the piece to wrap readers in a web of imagery. The use of repetition to project the movement of the bus into the minds of readers practically dragged me into the seat next to you. Then, your choice to match your spoken words with the electronic voice of the bus ( a decision that reminded me of one of the pieces we had to listen for this upcoming Wednesday - "The Fair") expanded the greatness of the tale. Best of all, I loved the outward expression of kindness and goodwill toward the jerk driver that veils the true pissed off nature of the poor, sick rider. Again, well done.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteThe "stop requested" bit was great. Great job lining those up. Good timing!
I can see your throw-up in the snow.
Hi Ellie,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stephanie's comments about your word choices, very nice diction young lady! This year is my first year using the "M" buses. There is one driver in particular that terrifies me. The driver crochets at stoplights, barely paying attention. There is a shelf of religious texts that sit near their seat.
On my second trip to North, this driver almost hit a pedestrian. Maybe the religious texts are to absolve the driver of murder if something really bad happens.
Listening to your story I was reminded of my own adventures to North and how reckless and terrifying a simple bus trip can be. I think you're in a good place with your piece, but I would encourage you to explore further with adding sounds. At the point where you say you say "thank you" I thought it might be nice to have a recording of you saying that on the bus, as an echo to the piece.
Keep up the good work—Stephanie
VERRYYY GOOD PIECE. i would like to hear some background noises like when he first opens the door or even bud sounds more. I liked the beginning really well with the sarcasm like the hello and the normal greetings. very good i really enjoy your story voice.
ReplyDeletehonestly, I think you have some work to do on this piece. I agree with previous comments related to the thought process and the diction and what not. But I think you can do some serious editing to the story that will make it better. Some of your sentences were a bit strange in my ears, but can be made better. Overall, good piece, but clearly an early draft.
ReplyDelete"It's like a fifteen year old trying to show his girlfriend he can drive a shift." Your diction, tone, and pace all contributed to the effectiveness of your piece with pulling the listener into the story. I really enjoyed listening to this piece. I think you did well with the details you included but I wonder how you could make this piece better. The sounds you included definitely helped and you could potentially add some more but I wouldn't want you to bog down the story with too much sound so it's just about finding the right balance and I think you have just about found it.
ReplyDeleteVery relatable, i love the snarky moments about iPhone apps and the drivers basterdly grin. When the bus noises first come in i feel like they are a bit distracting but as it goes on they fit perfectly.
ReplyDelete